Fearful-Avoidant Attachment

What Is Fearful-Avoidant Attachment?

Also known as disorganised attachment, fearful-avoidant attachment is characterised by a deep conflict: you desperately want love and connection, but you're also deeply afraid of being hurt. This creates a push-pull pattern where you alternate between seeking closeness and pushing it away.

Key Signs of Fearful-Avoidant Attachment

• Intense desire for love mixed with fear of intimacy
• Push-pull behaviour in relationships
• Difficulty trusting others consistently
• Emotional intensity and unpredictability
• May sabotage relationships when things go well
• Often confused about what you actually want

Fearful-Avoidant Attachment in Relationships

Your relationships often feel like a rollercoaster. You might pursue someone intensely, then suddenly pull away when things get serious. Partners may describe you as 'hot and cold' or feel like they're walking on eggshells.

What Causes Fearful-Avoidant Attachment?

Fearful-avoidant attachment often develops in response to frightening, confusing, or traumatic early caregiving. Your caregiver may have been a source of both comfort and fear, creating an impossible situation: the person you needed to go to for safety was also the person you needed to get away from. This creates deeply conflicting impulses around closeness that persist into adulthood.

Common Challenges

The fundamental challenge is that your attachment system sends contradictory signals — 'come closer' and 'go away' at the same time. This often stems from early experiences where your source of comfort was also a source of fear.

How to Heal Fearful-Avoidant Attachment

Healing fearful-avoidant attachment often benefits most from professional support, as it's frequently linked to early trauma. Therapy modalities like EMDR, somatic experiencing, or attachment-focused therapy can help.

Practical Steps

• Seek professional support: Given the trauma origins of this style, working with a therapist trained in attachment theory is strongly recommended.
• Map your patterns: Track when you shift between wanting closeness and pushing away. What triggers each shift?
• Build safety slowly: Secure attachment develops through repeated small experiences of safety, not through one dramatic breakthrough.
• Practice emotional regulation: Grounding techniques, breathwork, and somatic practices can help you manage the intensity of your emotional swings.
• Be patient with yourself: Healing from fearful-avoidant attachment is a longer journey, but it's absolutely possible. Progress isn't linear.