Fearful-Avoidant Deactivating

One moment you're deeply connected to your partner, feeling close and in love. The next, something shifts. The warmth drains away. You feel numb, distant, almost repulsed by the very person you adored hours ago. If you recognise this pattern, you may be experiencing fearful-avoidant deactivation.

Why This Triggers Fearful-Avoidant Attachment

Deactivation is a protective mechanism. When closeness triggers your fear response (because closeness was associated with pain or danger in your early life), your nervous system essentially hits the emergency brake on intimacy. It's not a choice — it's your body trying to keep you safe from a threat that no longer exists.

What You Might Be Feeling

• Sudden emotional numbness or flatness
• Finding your partner annoying or unattractive (when you found them wonderful yesterday)
• A strong urge to be alone or escape the relationship
• Feeling 'trapped' or suffocated by normal relationship expectations
• Relief at the thought of being single
• Confusion about your own feelings — 'Do I even love this person?'

What To Do

1. Don't make relationship decisions while deactivated. This state is temporary and not a reliable guide to your true feelings.
2. Name what's happening. Tell your partner (or yourself): 'I'm deactivating right now. This isn't about you.'
3. Look for the trigger. What happened just before the shift? Was there a moment of vulnerability, a commitment conversation, or an argument?
4. Use grounding techniques. Cold water on your face, deep breathing, or progressive muscle relaxation can help your nervous system regulate.
5. Be patient. The activation will pass. Your feelings for your partner are still there — they're just temporarily behind a protective wall.

When This Is Part of a Bigger Pattern

Frequent deactivation episodes suggest your nervous system is regularly perceiving intimacy as danger. Working with a trauma-informed therapist can help you rewire this response over time, so closeness starts to feel safe rather than threatening.