Attachment Style Compatibility

The most common insecure pairing. The anxious partner pursues while the avoidant partner withdraws, creating an intensifying cycle.

How This Dynamic Works

This is the most common insecure pairing — and often the most painful. The anxious partner's need for closeness triggers the avoidant partner's need for space, which triggers more anxiety, which triggers more withdrawal. It's a self-reinforcing cycle that can feel impossible to break without understanding what's happening underneath.

Tips for Making It Work

• Understand that your partner's behaviour comes from their attachment history, not from a lack of love for you.
• Learn each other's triggers and create agreements for how to handle them.
• Practice giving what your partner needs even when it doesn't come naturally (closeness for avoidants, space for anxious).
• Consider couples therapy — Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is specifically designed for attachment dynamics.

A secure partner can help an anxious partner feel safe enough to develop earned security over time.

How This Dynamic Works

A secure partner can be transformative for someone with anxious attachment. The consistency and reliability of a secure partner gradually teaches the anxious partner that love doesn't have to be earned through hypervigilance. Over time, the anxious partner can develop "earned security" through this relationship.

Tips for Making It Work

• Understand that your partner's behaviour comes from their attachment history, not from a lack of love for you.
• Learn each other's triggers and create agreements for how to handle them.
• Practice giving what your partner needs even when it doesn't come naturally (closeness for avoidants, space for anxious).
• Consider couples therapy — Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is specifically designed for attachment dynamics.

Both partners crave closeness, which can feel wonderful — but mutual anxiety can amplify fears.

How This Dynamic Works

Two anxious partners can create an intensely close bond — you both want the same thing (connection) and are willing to express it openly. The challenge comes when both partners' anxiety activates simultaneously, leading to mutual reassurance-seeking that neither can fully provide.

Tips for Making It Work

• Understand that your partner's behaviour comes from their attachment history, not from a lack of love for you.
• Learn each other's triggers and create agreements for how to handle them.
• Practice giving what your partner needs even when it doesn't come naturally (closeness for avoidants, space for anxious).
• Consider couples therapy — Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is specifically designed for attachment dynamics.

A secure partner can provide the space an avoidant needs while modelling healthy vulnerability.

How This Dynamic Works

A secure partner's comfort with both closeness and independence gives the avoidant partner room to breathe while modelling that vulnerability is safe. The secure partner doesn't chase when the avoidant withdraws, but remains warmly available, which is often what allows the avoidant to come back on their own terms.

Tips for Making It Work

• Understand that your partner's behaviour comes from their attachment history, not from a lack of love for you.
• Learn each other's triggers and create agreements for how to handle them.
• Practice giving what your partner needs even when it doesn't come naturally (closeness for avoidants, space for anxious).
• Consider couples therapy — Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is specifically designed for attachment dynamics.

Both partners value independence, which can work — but emotional intimacy may never develop.

How This Dynamic Works

Two avoidant partners may create a functional but emotionally shallow relationship. Both are comfortable with independence, so there's little conflict around space. But neither may push for deeper emotional intimacy, which can leave the relationship feeling more like roommates than romantic partners over time.

Tips for Making It Work

• Understand that your partner's behaviour comes from their attachment history, not from a lack of love for you.
• Learn each other's triggers and create agreements for how to handle them.
• Practice giving what your partner needs even when it doesn't come naturally (closeness for avoidants, space for anxious).
• Consider couples therapy — Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is specifically designed for attachment dynamics.

An intensely emotional pairing where both partners' worst fears can be triggered.

How This Dynamic Works

This pairing combines two of the most emotionally intense attachment styles. The fearful-avoidant's push-pull behaviour can be especially painful for an anxious partner, who interprets each withdrawal as abandonment. Both partners' fears are constantly being triggered.

Tips for Making It Work

• Understand that your partner's behaviour comes from their attachment history, not from a lack of love for you.
• Learn each other's triggers and create agreements for how to handle them.
• Practice giving what your partner needs even when it doesn't come naturally (closeness for avoidants, space for anxious).
• Consider couples therapy — Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is specifically designed for attachment dynamics.

The fearful-avoidant's need for closeness clashes with the avoidant's need for distance.

How This Dynamic Works

When the fearful-avoidant is in their anxious mode, they pursue the avoidant partner who pulls away. When they switch to their avoidant mode, both partners withdraw simultaneously, creating periods of emotional disconnection.

Tips for Making It Work

• Understand that your partner's behaviour comes from their attachment history, not from a lack of love for you.
• Learn each other's triggers and create agreements for how to handle them.
• Practice giving what your partner needs even when it doesn't come naturally (closeness for avoidants, space for anxious).
• Consider couples therapy — Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is specifically designed for attachment dynamics.

A secure partner can provide the consistent safety a fearful-avoidant needs to begin healing.

How This Dynamic Works

A secure partner offers the best chance for a fearful-avoidant to heal. The consistent safety and non-reactive presence of a secure partner can gradually help the fearful-avoidant's nervous system learn that closeness doesn't have to be dangerous.

Tips for Making It Work

• Understand that your partner's behaviour comes from their attachment history, not from a lack of love for you.
• Learn each other's triggers and create agreements for how to handle them.
• Practice giving what your partner needs even when it doesn't come naturally (closeness for avoidants, space for anxious).
• Consider couples therapy — Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is specifically designed for attachment dynamics.

The gold standard. Both partners communicate well, handle conflict maturely, and support each other's growth.

How This Dynamic Works

Two securely attached partners create the most naturally harmonious dynamic. Both can communicate needs directly, handle conflict constructively, and provide a stable emotional base for each other. This doesn't mean the relationship is conflict-free — just that both partners have the tools to navigate disagreements healthily.

Tips for Making It Work

• Understand that your partner's behaviour comes from their attachment history, not from a lack of love for you.
• Learn each other's triggers and create agreements for how to handle them.
• Practice giving what your partner needs even when it doesn't come naturally (closeness for avoidants, space for anxious).
• Consider couples therapy — Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is specifically designed for attachment dynamics.

Two fearful-avoidants can create an intensely passionate but deeply unstable dynamic.

How This Dynamic Works

Tips for Making It Work

• Understand that your partner's behaviour comes from their attachment history, not from a lack of love for you.
• Learn each other's triggers and create agreements for how to handle them.
• Practice giving what your partner needs even when it doesn't come naturally (closeness for avoidants, space for anxious).
• Consider couples therapy — Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is specifically designed for attachment dynamics.