5 Signs Anxious Attachment Is Ruining Your Relationship (And What to Do)

There's a difference between caring about your relationship and being consumed by it. Anxious attachment blurs that line until you can't tell the difference. Here are five signs your attachment style — not your partner's behaviour — is the real problem.

1. You Monitor Their Every Move Online

Checking when they were last active. Noticing they liked someone else's photo. Analysing their story views. If social media has become a surveillance tool rather than a fun distraction, anxious attachment is running the show. The compulsion to check isn't about information — it's about soothing a nervous system that equates uncertainty with danger.

2. You Apologise to End Conflict, Not Because You're Wrong

Anxiously attached people will say sorry for things they didn't do just to make the tension stop. The discomfort of unresolved conflict feels physically unbearable — your body reads it as a threat to the relationship's survival. So you apologise, not out of genuine accountability, but as a bid to restore harmony at any cost.

3. Your Mood Depends Entirely on Their Mood

When they're happy, you're ecstatic. When they're quiet, you spiral. If your emotional state is a mirror of your partner's, you've outsourced your regulation to another person. This isn't love — it's emotional codependency, and it's exhausting for both of you.

4. You've Lost Yourself in the Relationship

You used to have hobbies, friends, ambitions. Now your calendar revolves around when your partner is available. Anxious attachment narrows your world until your partner becomes your sole source of emotional security — which, paradoxically, makes the relationship less secure.

5. You Test Your Partner Without Realising It

Not replying to see if they'll double text. Mentioning an ex to gauge their reaction. Creating small crises to elicit reassurance. These 'protest behaviours' are your attachment system's way of checking whether the relationship is safe. They feel instinctive, but they erode trust over time.

What to Do About It

Recognition is the hardest step, and you've just taken it. The next steps involve building internal security — the ability to soothe yourself without your partner's participation. This means developing a self-soothing toolkit, challenging catastrophic thoughts, and gradually widening your identity beyond the relationship.

If these patterns feel deeply ingrained, working with a therapist who understands attachment theory can accelerate the process significantly. You're not broken — you're wired for connection. The goal is to channel that wiring more effectively.